Gig Em Gazette
Fansided

Using AI To Predict the Future of Texas A&M Football

By Graham Harmon

COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS - NOVEMBER 06: The student section is seen during the game between the Texas A&M Aggies and Auburn Tigers at Kyle Field on November 06, 2021 in College Station, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
COLLEGE STATION, TEXAS - NOVEMBER 06: The student section is seen during the game between the Texas A&M Aggies and Auburn Tigers at Kyle Field on November 06, 2021 in College Station, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images) /
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Everything feels different. I have an unshakeable sense that I have stumbled upon a secret knowledge that not I nor any living human can bear the weight of. I feel alienated from myself and the world around me. What is real? What is false?

I attempt to compose myself and ask the oracle about Bobby Petrino’s fit as the new offensive coordinator of Texas A&M football.

"Petrino’s experience and offensive expertise should be a valuable addition to the Texas A&M coaching staff. He will be working with quarterback Zach Calzada, who showed promise as a freshman in 2022 but will need to continue to develop his skills to be successful in the SEC. Petrino’s experience in developing quarterbacks could be a key factor in Calzada’s continued growth and success."

I nod upon reading these words. Yes, Zach Calzada is Texas A&M’s quarterback. I cling desperately to this statement, which I would have thought so self-evidently false mere moments before. If I know nothing else, I do know this. This is the assured truth; the life raft to keep me afloat in this sea of uncertainty into which I have been plunged.

I know Zach Calzada is the quarterback of Texas A&M football, for if this is not so, then I can know nothing.

"Bobby Petrino brings a wealth of experience and offensive expertise to his new role as the offensive coordinator for the Texas A&M Aggies. If he is able to work well with the rest of the coaching staff and develop a cohesive offensive strategy that plays to the team’s strengths, he could have a positive impact on the team’s performance in the upcoming season. However, his past controversies could potentially be a factor, and it will be up to him to demonstrate his ability to work effectively within the program."

I take back what I said before. This program isn’t riding fences; it is not merely spitting out assertions barely more logically complex than simple tautologies. There’s a beauty here: the raw truth evidenced in the cold, hard facts presented. For the first time, I see the black-and-white as being just as beautiful as the interplay of all the colors of the spectrum. This is truth. This is dogma.

“If he is able to work well with the rest of the coaching staff… he could have a positive impact.” How could I have ever called this trite? I am not the man I once was. I have a new appreciation for the blissful assurance of these simple realities.